PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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