Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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