I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
