He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
