when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize