I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize