Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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