i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
