Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
