Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
