If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
