update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
