Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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