I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
