two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
