Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
