I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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