Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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