god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
