I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
