I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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