And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
