11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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