giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
