I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
