i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
