she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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