I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up under a house in Key West
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