He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
