respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize