I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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