yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
are you still at the devil's house?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
