I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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