You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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