bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
