So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
