You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The power of my boobs compel you
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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