i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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