I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
