What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Drake has all the answers
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
