I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
