you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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