Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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