I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
