I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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