Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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