Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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