Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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