I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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