I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i would punch a child for taco bell
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
