Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
