He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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