Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize