I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
