R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
