Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
