Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize