Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
