I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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