I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
