Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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