My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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